Find this article here: The Moments Before Burnout.

Watching the world become increasingly polarized in recent years, I have been thinking a lot about how often and how harshly we judge one another for even insignificant actions in our day-to-day lives. After learning a bit about shadow work, I realized that we do this because of how much we profoundly dislike and disrespect ourselves.

The fact is that we are all the same, with the same propensity for good and evil as anyone else. Because we cannot stand certain aspects of ourselves, we zero in on these qualities when we observe them in others (even when we demonstrate them in equal or greater measure!), and cruelly judge anyone we believe possesses the traits we have decided are abhorrent.

For the sake of illustrating this phenomenon, I will use myself as an example. I try very hard to keep a clean house, and while we manage to keep it clean in the sense that it is sanitary and hygienic, without visible dirt or grime, it is often untidy, with books, papers, and half-finished projects lying on the surfaces in our various spaces. I can live with that, and so can my family. We’ve got hobbies, projects, activities, businesses, jobs, and a family home to run, so we’ve resigned ourselves to living with some clutter to cram as much into our lives as we can.

While we can live with a few cluttered surfaces, there is a part of me which has felt profound shame about not being able to keep a perfectly tidy and organized home. To that end, no one who doesn’t live in this house can see it in its usual state, and what I have decided others can see about how we live borders on the ridiculous. From a furnace repair person to years long friends, no one can come over unless the preceding three days are spent scrubbing every surface, nook, behind and under every piece of furniture, every light fixture, etc. Every item that is controversial or could spark a hint of judgement must be hidden away. Of course, I can’t manage this endeavour alone — I’m not tall enough to reach the tops of door frames, cupboards, appliances, etc. — so I enlist my family to begrudgingly labour and toil so this totally excessive and unnecessary goal can be attained.

The goal is excessive and unnecessary because I’ve been in other people’s houses, and very few have been cleaned to the same standard I hold myself to. Only a couple would likely have qualified for intervention by local authorities, while the majority have been clean and tidy enough to be presentable while clearly being homes where family life occurs.

And I judged them all.

To write this article, I decided to sit and honestly contemplate where this need to conceal all my imperfections came from, and will share my relevant (i.e. those pertaining to my home) observations. I was a messy and disorganized kid, with a room that very much embodied that tendency and parents who were young and not particularly good about expressing themselves in emotionally healthy ways. My messy room, inability to keep my school things organized, and any other representations of my disorganized ways were not viewed as habits that an otherwise decent kid needed to improve on, but rather as a character flaw, a moral failing which demonstrated what a bad person I really was. Because I couldn’t get my young brain to organize the mess, I did the best I could to hide it instead. Hiding everything about myself that others found distasteful felt so much easier than facing their scorn.

To be clear, this isn’t about parent blaming. My parents’ communication styles, and the trauma from which they stemmed, were come by honestly, I assure you. We are all broken little birds, looking for healing in a world where most everyone else around us is acting from their own wounded places. We are all doing our best.

Here I am, many decades beyond where this aspect of my life’s journey began, learning that repressing my authenticity has led to increased feelings of shame, and that letting go of the need to be perceived a certain way is freeing me to see myself and others as we truly are: flawed, hurting, strong, brilliant, and beautiful. One of the greatest gifts I have ever given myself is the gift of never judging anyone ever again, for their messy house or anything else.

Today, I invite you to think about how you have judged people, and to dig into the spaces in your heart and soul where you have hidden your own shame away, knowing that the things you abhor about those you have judged are the very things you despise about yourself.

Find this article here: The Illusion of Stagnancy.